I don't know...the ugly toilet seat

I really don't know what will become of today. That sounds depressing. I wish I had more than that but I don't. I really don't. "Live for today" "Make today better than yesterday" but what if sitting on your couch seems better for today. Maybe I compare myself too much to what others are doing. And maybe as long as I enjoy my day then it's all good. What is really weird is that my actions show that I am doing better today than yesterday but my mind and words seem so negative. This week I made a 2 week calender of meals for dinner. I bought everything I would need to make each meal. Now I will be more prepared for the week. Monday through Thursday have become really busy. KK is now in tutoring and I have amazingly continued to go to the gym each night even now that school has started!! Woo Hoo high 5 to me! I found a template made in excel with cute little veggie clip art found at thenourishinghome.com
 Just having a template to start with really helped me get focused on making a plan. Today, will be better than yesterday. My family will be feed.

For another affirmation that I am not always negative, I was told by my BFF that I should have been a cheerleader since I am always smiling and happy. And when she saw her daughter shaking it out on the field it reminded her of me....she knew that I would have gotten into it and I would have. Having a family doesn't allow you to go to places where shaking it is acceptable. And I love to shake it. So, now I do Zumba. Geez..I am old. ZUMBA...ZUMBA has replaced salsa clubs...Wow! Wait.. I will take Zumba..less drama! So yes I am a happy person. When I see people I am happy. I am truly excited to see them. I want to know about their day. I want to know their happies and their sads. I really do. So maybe when I am writing I am alone and being alone makes me negative? I wonder why? I believe I like myself. I believe everyone should live as I do (not really..but kinda) Only because I do try to live the best that I can. I appreciate everything I have. I believe I have way more than I need. I want to give more (but do I give to my kids and they become spoiled or do I help others who are struggling just like my college boys). I manage my money to the best of my abilities. I really try not to be wasteful. When I see my husband grab a plastic spoon to eat at home it drives me insane! really insane.

Parties, office kitchens, food courts is where plastic ware is acceptable. Not in a home with a dishwasher. I must get all plastic out of my house. In order to do that the mother in law must move out. Yes, she lives with us and I allow her to run my house. Why? Well, because she loves things a certain way and I don't want to fight over it. It makes her feel comfortable and my husband less stressed if we are all getting along. And if I make a big deal on what type of toilet seat I would like my guest to sit on...well. It makes him miserable because the MIL wants a plastic cushion seat and I want a nice heavy sturdy seat. Guess who lost the fight? Me. It's not hard to make someone feel selfish and stupid when they are crying over a toilet seat. So, she got her ugly toilet seat and my husband still has some of his hair left. And for me well, I stopped worrying about it and moved on because I do realize I have been blessed with a lot. And unfortunately, she is a widow with no place to go. This situation becomes such a reality when we argue over little things. Actually, I only argue with her in my head. We never actually argue. We push everything through my hubby. Poor guy. She has lately tried to make smart ass remarks to me but I always come back with "what did you say?" in a nice voice. This to me gives her the opportunity to realize what she thought in her head actually came out of her mouth. And she can either rephrase what she just said or repeat it with more force. Thankfully, she has chosen to rephrase it because I really don't want to fight with her. Don't get me wrong I have some very selfish feelings about all this that I push way deep down. I want my house to myself. I want to wash my dishes and clothes the way I want to. With the music blaring through the house. I want to sew all hours of the night and not worry about keeping her awake. I have worked hard for my very own cottage.

 I deserve all those things. I do. And I want them. But at what price? Maybe I want everyone to like me because when I think of "at what price"....I see myself on the stake like Joan of Arch being burned to death. And everyone in my family chatting on "You deserve to burn for washing your own dishes" ...."How dare you expect to pick your own toilet seat!" Yes, a little dramatic but I do feel that way. Who knows I am now 40 and maybe with age I will learn to fight with kind words to get my toilet seat. (Just so you know....she picked out the dryer recently too.) Right now the only words that want to come out of my mouth is that "This house is mine..mine..mine" Ha..Ha yeah right! Reality is that she will live with us until one day she will decide to move out...and then we will be sad when she is gone. Why? because it's not everyday that we need a new toilet seat or a new dryer. She is my family and we need to stay together. In the end that is all we have. One day I will travel the earth and admire it's beauty and forget all about the ugly toilet seat. And remember how for more than a couple of years KK got to spend time with her Granny. So, for now if you come to visit beware of the cracked cushion toilet seat in my guest restroom. It will probably scratch your butt...so Squat.

To Blog or Not to Blog??

So to Blog or Not to blog...New blog or use the same one? Do I write for myself or for the world? Those are a few questions that have kept me from coming back here for so long. I need to write. It's in my soul. It's me. I have been writing in my journal at work, lots of doodles and jotting down things that are happening but not much more. And of course about budgeting.

 I defiantly can become obsessive about money and paying off bills. I feel like a bad ass when I take out a bill. Like I am punching it in the face for a total knock out. I thought this was a good thing, I thought I was making life changing progress for my family. And I still believe that but I was also driving my husband crazy by constantly talking about saving and paying off bills.

 No eating out...we need to cut back. How much did that cost? How much over time have you worked?

 And I guess that got old really quick which I understand because we were no longer having fun. I was preaching money doesn't matter but totally being a crazy woman for more of it. I thought it was okay since it was to pay off bills. I guess I am thinking suffer now enjoy later. What if later doesn't come and my husband loses so much family time that he can't get back. Then what?! I read one christian book and it tells me to pay off bills fast due to interest and to gain financial freedom. Then I go church and they preach live for today. Enjoy the blessing God has given us. I know I am so blessed but am I enjoying them? Or I am sleeping through life trying to get to the next day.

 I work a 40 hour a week job plus I have a 3rd grader. Which comes with homework and her own life expectations. I don't want to plan our week full of activities but she needs tutoring twice a week. Then she has gymnastics twice a week. Now she wants guitar lessons. I know she doesn't need the extra but what if playing a guitar is her thing. She will be learning a skill I can not give her. What if she can become the next Taylor Swift and I am keeping her from learning the guitar. (crazy thoughts)

Okay, back to blog or not to blog....

 I am not really sure what direction this blog will go. I hope though I will continue to keep it. Just beware that you may get the happy positive me, crazy Mom me, the negative Nelly or just completely rambling on for days me. It will be me though...the true Raw me. I worried for a long time that I must always be positive..no one likes to read about negative things...I must post about rainbows and awesome healthy recipes. I realize now that it just doesn't happen as often as I'd like to write. Today I am tired. Why because I had an awesome weekend with friends and family.  Went to Top Golf, stayed out way past my bed time. Then had a small Texans/Cowboy party for my Moms Birthday. Today is Monday and all I want to do is jump back into bed....but I will not! I will go to Body Pump tonight and read a book with my third grader at bed time. I only pray I stay awake to hear the end because yes I fall asleep sometimes when she reads.